content warning: this blog post is mostly about drugs.

as this website exists in part to document my life in earnest and with relative completion, i would be remiss in avoiding the topic of mescaline, the classic phenylethylamine found in certain cacti of the Americas, most notably peyote. mescaline was one of the first known psychedelic drugs (and in fact, was the substance referred to when the term “psychedelic” was coined) yet seemingly avoids popular knowledge in the 21st century. i find this problematic because it is the best one. while popular hallucinogens like mushrooms and LSD are sending people (or at least me) into short-lived, unproductive psychotic fits during their active duration, mescaline is a decidedly more clear-headed, powerful, and cathartic experience, while still retaining the pleasant effects of similar hallucinogens.

first, i am not someone who often uses these drugs as a tool for working out my problems, as many people do, though i have done it. i already work out those problems sober just fine. rather, my pursuit is mostly hedonistic, and with a goal to augment my creative output. however, if you are going to do use them as a tool for working out your problems, i do think mescaline is a good choice. without mescaline, Your Only Move Is HUSTLE would not exist. Evil Egg would not exist. my games would be different and probably worse. i’ve dropped mescaline more than any other drug in the same category. with our history, i owe it a bit of proselytizing.

the effects of mescaline are the most beautiful thing i have ever experienced. it is a long-lasting drug (i expect to be intoxicated for 10-16 hours), so i take it in the early morning. the initial come-up stage can be uncomfortable, and nausea is common. most people vomit. i don’t. two to three hours after dosing is when it starts to ramp up. my last trip (and my strongest dose so far) was characterized by intense shockwaves of pleasure through my body, like being periodically struck by lightning that sent chills down my spine. i was twitching and shaking with joy. it was a pure catharsis.

my friends and i spent much of our day sketching with brush pens. i had done this before, and was worried doing it again would feel like retreading ground. but my friends, who were doing mescaline for the first time, immediately got to work, both of them filling out their entire sketchbooks. i was much slower to draw, but i found the experience intensely pleasurable. i was fixated on maximizing the enjoyment of each stroke, slowly, focusing on the tactile pleasure of brush pen against paper, the softness of it, the friction of the brush as ink dried out on one side, leaving streaky marks, and catharsis as i rotated the pen and fresh ink flowed from the wet side. it was less about the subject and more about the composition, and my physical connection with the drawing equipment. this kind of experience has informed my philosophy on game development. it’s obvious to most at this point that my focus is on the sensations of games (& toys) more than the actual games’ designs—mescaline taught me that i value the simple pleasure of a sensation machine more than i do the catharsis of overcoming a virtual challenge, though i of course like both. Your Only Move Is HUSTLE is characterized by spectacle over balance, Evil Egg by its overwhelming visual display. i find it easier to design something that makes me instantly feel what it is.

although i do still think some of my mescaline drawings look nice, that wasn’t really the point. mescaline puts me in a state of total submission to all the tactile pleasures that aren’t sex. it was an intense, simple joy just to put on my sweater, and to take it off. laying with my body pillow felt so overwhelmingly good it sent me into fits of laughter. smoking cigarettes with the warm sun on my back was an indescribably beautiful sensation. i could go on. i experienced these effects intensely for about 8 hours, and at least subtly for double that. it’s just the best. uniquely it seems that, outside of the initial nausea and harsh body load, mescaline has none of the downsides that most similar drugs do. let’s enumerate:

  1. coming off mescaline is a great feeling that lasts for days. compare to MDMA that puts me in a week long slump.
  2. tolerance buildup is very slow. you could take it every day for a week or longer. though you probably shouldn’t. compare to MDMA, which gives you brain damage if you take it too often and builds tolerance quickly.
  3. there is no confusion or loss of control. mescaline puts me in charge of my trip. compare to LSD, which, in my experience, is almost always a nightmare whirlwhind of confusion and agitation.
  4. nobody could say that mescaline doesn’t last long enough. this could be a downside if you’re on a tight schedule i guess. compare to MDMA again which is an upsettingly short experience for the intensity and length of the after-effects.
  5. acquiring and using mescaline can be as simple as growing a plant, dehydrating it or boiling it into a soup, and eating the product. compare to most drugs of this class, which require complicated procedures to synthesize.

but yes, despite all this, mescaline is still not very well known. in part this seems to be due to unethical harvesting practices impacting the communities who cultivate its host plants and the ecosystems in which they grow. because of this, mescaline is quite expensive and difficult to find. i’ll include some links to preservation efforts below. i encourage anyone looking to source this plant to do so sustainably—or, better yet, grow it yourself. it is recommended that those buying or cultivating host cacti primarily for their psychoactive effects do so with San Pedro cacti (e.g. T. pachanoi, T. bridgesii aka penis cactus) and not peyote, as they grow much faster and are far more sustainable. still, these cacti are in danger, too. never buy “San Pedro powder” or material branded to highlight its psychoactive nature. stick to seeds and cuttings from reputable vendors.